Motherhood; a new reality

A few thoughts about my early motherhood days

When I first became a mother, everything was so new to me. I had just gotten married, and a month later, I found out I was pregnant. It was all excitement and happiness – until it hit me. Was it too soon? How would I manage? What does it really mean to have a child?

For a while, it felt like I was living in a movie – as if everything could be done by the book, as if motherhood came with a manual. But then reality hit. And it hit hard.

The “What to Expect when You’re Expecting” book did not meet my expectations. Everything was easier said than done.

My New Reality looked like dark circles under my eyes, pumping machine sound every 3-4 hours, formula spread all over the counter, messy hair, t-shirts and PJs ruined by vomit or poop blowouts. It was so new to me that I adapted to it and forgot who I really am. The Real Me. But that’s something I am saving for a different blog post.

At the moment, the world felt too big and I was too small. Fitting in a new era where everything is new. Even when I had my mom sleeping over, nothing felt the same. What is this? I used to be afraid whenever the sun began to set, when the light faded and the quiet of the night crept in. That’s when the pain would return, sharper, heavier. I had given birth naturally, but the doctors had to intervene and make a small cut to help my firstborn come into the world, her head was just a little too big for my body to handle on its own.

Every night, as darkness fell, I braced myself. The stitches would ache, and I’d lie there wondering if the pain would ever stop. I’m still not sure if it was the pain in my body or the ache in my mind that hurt more. Sometimes it felt as if my thoughts had found their way into my small wound as if the fear, exhaustion and shock had settled there. I couldn’t tell where the physical pain ended and the emotional one began.

Everything felt too heavy to handle, and my mind went numb. I couldn’t find the words to express what I was feeling. I just drifted through the days, trying to hold it together. Looking back, I think I was going through the baby blues, though at the time I didn’t really understand what was happening to me.

But then he came. He took action. He stepped into everything I was living as if it wasn’t new to him, even though we were both first-time parents.
My husband.
The one person I thought I wanted to push away, yet the only one who made me feel safe. In his quiet strength, I found my calm. In his presence, I found security I didn’t even know I was craving. Love and partnership quietly stepped in amid the chaos – a chaos that, in time, turned out to be something beautiful once I learned to hold on and trust the process.

Having your husband support you during the dark days and long nights when it’s just the two of you under one roof, with no one else to share the load, is something vital. Those moments test you in ways you never imagined. They can push you to your limits and show you sides of your partner you’ve never seen before.

Tiredness breeds tension. Sleep deprivation blurs patience. Sometimes, when every bone in your body aches and your blood feels like it’s boiling from exhaustion, all you want is to close your eyes. But you can’t.. because motherhood doesn’t pause. You have to show up, even when there’s nothing left in you.

I am sure most people admit this only to themselves… quietly. A few have the courage to describe exhaustion and strain of early motherhood.

You slowly start to drift away from the world around you. Conversations with friends and family become hard to follow. You can’t concentrate anymore; logic fades, common sense slips away. They try to cheer you up, to distract you from this new reality, creating laughter and light moments. But all you can think about is how much you’d give for a long shower and an uninterrupted night of sleep.

Is it too much to ask for?

But then, day after day, night after night, you move from exhaustion to acceptance. Your new reality slowly becomes your lifestyle. Just like that, two years pass by. And before you know it, you’re pregnant again ready to do it all over. But this time, it feels different. You move with more focus, more calm. You know what awaits you. You’re no longer clueless about this life.

And somewhere in your heart, there’s a quiet excitement because you get to do it all again with the person you love. The one you chose to marry, to share your days and nights with, and to build this family beside.

I once read something that inspired me, it says “I used to think timing was everything. But motherhood isn’t about doing it young. It’s about doing it with someone who shows up”. So, my dear fellow mother, do it with someone who won’t be there just for the baby – but for you too.